loneliness

This past week, and even further back, has been emotionally difficult, to put it lightly. Lots of crying. I'm not sure when it started. But on March 17 I was in Harlingen beginning to start a kids' sports camp with First Baptist there (an amazing experience, btw). Completely unrelated to the camp, it was my 25th birthday. I am finishing my biology degree at UTA and I'm single. Even though I have good reasons for being 25 and only getting my BA, I feel behind. I know that I've done all that the Lord has asked me to do including pausing my college career for four years to do other ministry and that now I must stand firm knowing that I am doing what the Lord wants of me. I know that men don't look down on me, but I look down on myself. Further, for whatever reason, the females in my family (mother, grandmother, aunts) have decided to press the marriage issue. It isn't like I'm surrounded by a hundred of willing and capable men - I'm at a university; there are no men, only boys. I'm a bit out of my age-range. Church would be a great way to meet my future husband, and I'm not against it. Only it isn't up to me to just decide "hey you, yea, lets go get married" - that's absurd. So I'm at this kids' sports camp, surrounded by wonderful, lovely children (some of them not-so-lovely) and I think "Some of these kids are young enough to be mine. Where are mine?" Pretty much, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Especially because I was just dumped. And there's stories that I might tell, but to my point-
this week I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I've been surrounded by my friends and family and even in the center of it all have felt the worse. My loneliness (don't laugh) compels me to seek solitude...ie I don't feel like being around anyone. A friend finds me. He wants to know what's wrong and I don't want to tell him. Makes him want to know even more. So without telling him specifics I tell him that I'm feeling lonely and it isn't anyone's fault and its certainly not anyone's duty to correct it, but that I think that the time I've been spending hanging out and what-not may, at least temporarily, be better spent seeking God more aggressively. I said that I felt my walk had become lax and I needed to refocus. I love everyone in my circle of friends, and there's nothing wrong with them, but they have become a distraction. As I was talking to this friend, I realized that this void, this loneliness, could only be fulfilled by God and until I found satisfaction in Him again, nothing outside of Him will satisfy. And as cliched as it is, once I find fulfillment in Him, I know that I can be satisfied in anything.